And baseball practice is off...Cole and Trapper have their first practice tomorrow, Tyler has his on Wednesday. I went to the sporting goods store this weekend to pick up some final items needed for them. Ummmm...someone should have warned me I'd be having to pick out cups for my sweet angels. I didn't even know where to begin, much less know how I am going to tell them how to wear them. Hopefully this is something Iz can help with.

It was so cold and rainy all day today. The store was slow because of it and that left me with a lot of time to think about the changes we need to make to increase sales. I just keep rearranging things. But it is fun and my local customers enjoy coming in to see what I have done each week.

Iz's kitchen is just about ready to open. They are the official residents as of today. They had a small issue with the stove before they could pass inspection, but I think they have gotten that taken care of. I'm so excited for him. I know this is the first step in his dream. Hopefully this will open doors for him to see what his full potential really is.

The boys went to their dad's this weekend and have come back with the same disrespect they do every time. I don't know how to get them to use inside voices. They talk so loud and we have wood floors, so it echoes. It just seems like no matter what I say, the minute I walk out of the room, they are laughing at me and screaming again. I know boys like to wrestle and that there are four of them, but am I asking too much for them to keep it down when they are inside? Yes, it has been cold and rainy, but come on guys!!! I can't take it anymore! Then, all Christopher has talked about this afternoon is some game they played this weekend where they stole cars, killed cops, and stabbed old men. This is not what I want them playing, but what do I do? He obviously doesn't care that I have rules against these types of games. Parenting is just so hard! I know I am at the easy stage too which leaves me little hope for the next 13 years.

I really want to start going to church too, but I am having a really hard time choosing one. I went to a Baptist church as a child, joined a Lutheran church in high school and have been visiting non-denominational churches lately. I want something that offers a good youth program for the boys and I like the new contemporary music. I think the only church Iz will go to is one of the Lutheran churches here, which does have a good youth program, I just hope I fit in there. I guess you can't have it all though.

Obviously, I am just rambling tonight, but I have so much on my mind. I can't seem to calm the storm going on in my head. I am trying to figure out if I should invest more money in bonds or just hang on to it. I want so badly to plan for our future, but I just don't know the best answer to make it all happen. It's hard to plan for something you just aren't sure about. I mean, I can't imagine life with anyone but Iz, I can see us growing old together. I have never felt this way before. Everyone says when you find the one, you just know it. I can't explain it, but I just know it. I never felt this way about Mark, never envisioned us being old together, I just figured that's how life was. You picked someone and tried to make it work. But that's not it. I don't have to try to make it work with Iz, it just does. Yes, we have lots of stress, but we just deal with it. The only crazy thing is, he doesn't want to get married, ever. That sure makes for and unsure future. It's not really the paper I care about, more the commitment it symbolizes and the reality of family that comes with it. It's the pride that it brings having the same last name, knowing I have a husband, not a boyfriend. Maybe I'm still old fashioned. When I divorced Mark, I thought I never wanted to get married again. I didn't want the same thing to happen to me ever again. I wanted to be so independent. Now, I see that it was because I was with the wrong person. I know I will be with Iz forever, married or not, there is just a sense of security that he would never leave in a marriage. I really believe he has the same values as me. I think that's why he doesn't want to be married. He doesn't know for sure that we will grow old together. Maybe one day he will be as sure as I am, until then, I will live with things as they are.

Anyway, I reckon I better get some household chores done and start the boys on their baths. Hopefully this "let go" will help me sleep tonight. I could use it.